I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
