i love accidental penises.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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