Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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