i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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