please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize