so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
