official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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