I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
