sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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