I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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