I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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