My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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