y did u give ur computer a hand job?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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