i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
