Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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