Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
