two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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