I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
