Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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