I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
