Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
