By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
