So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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