Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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