dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
