the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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