maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
