you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
