He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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