the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
