my room smells like sperm. sweet.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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