one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
