He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
