why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
