I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
