The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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