Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
