I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
