She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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