I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
