he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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