my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
