hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
