ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Terrible idea I love it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
