We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I want her autograph on my taint
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
