Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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