Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
