The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
