i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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