how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
