Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
