he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
