so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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