I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
