if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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