Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
