My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize