She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
