You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
