just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
