Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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