Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
