She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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